Jan 27, 12
Inspired by the currently-trending Twitter topic, #30WaysToMakeAGirlSmile. This is slightly tongue-in-cheek for those of you with your Serious Hats on all the time.
- Make her feel safe by not exploiting other females for their milk. Girls get nervous when they think you’re going to steal their breastmilk.
- Acknowledge that enslaving female animals and forcing them to reproduce is a human feminist issue.
- Cook her a truly happy meal.
- Don’t claw her to death with the big, scary apex predator claws which you do not have.
- Smile at, don’t bite her with, your stubby little “canine” teeth that are cavity-prone and need braces to keep straight.
- Don’t force your beliefs down her throat! Learn to kiss properly!
- Adopt, do not breed!
- Learn to count to 30.
30. Go vegan!
Even if you still eat meat, deviating even once from the social norms is going to get you reactions like this. If you have no interest in going vegan, then at least try eating a conspicuously vegan meal a few times in mixed company. For instance, vegetable fajitas when everyone else is having cow in theirs, or a veggie burger at a place which servers cow burgers. Watching people’s reactions as they try to figure out why you’re not joining in on the meat eating is fun and philosophically profitable.
You may notice the jacket looks really familiar to a certain sweater worn in another webcomic. For my first page, I wanted to pay tribute to Penny-Arcade, who have provided me with years of chuckles and a few outright guffaws.
Fresh from Obvious Pile, “Color additives are an inexpensive way to simulate absent fruit or vegetable ingredients, make white bread look more like whole wheat, or make sugary cereals more appealing to young children, according to CSPI.”
The result is that people eat garbage they might not normally eat because the garbage doesn’t look entirely like garbage. For instance, and with emphasis added:
Betty Crocker Carrot Cake Mix has no carrots, as such. Instead, it has “carrot flavored pieces” made with corn syrup, flour, corn cereal, partially hydrogenated cottonseed and/or soybean oil, a small amount of “carrot powder,” unspecified artificial color, and Yellow 6 and Red 40. Most varieties of Mt. Olive and Vlassic pickles appear greener and fresher thanks to Yellow 5. Kraft Light Catalina Salad Dressing contains Red 40. And caramel coloring and cocoa darken Pepperidge Farm Pumpernickel Bread.
More at the Center for Science in the Public Interest.
What can you do? Eat fresh meals made from whole ingredients.
This recipe makes about 14 large (~10cm diameter, ~2cm thick) patties. You need:
- For nutrition and texture:
- 2C lentils
- 2C quinoa
- A bunch of rolled oats
- A box of wheat gluten (you won’t need the whole box, but measurements vary based on taste)
- Garlic salt
- More salt
- An onion
How to Do Stuff:
- Assuming you’re going to eat these for dinner, put the quinoa and lentils in a big pot with lots of water in the morning.
- While at work, spend some quality time on YouTube arguing about pointless garbage.
- 8 or so hours later, you’re back home and ready to cook some lentil burgers.
- Heat the pot to boiling. Let it boil a couple minutes.
- Reduce to simmer and leave it that way until the mixture thickens or the beans are soft.
- Drain as well as you can.
- I recommend making 1 patty first, before you go all Henry Ford Production Line on your kitchen:
- Scoop 1/2 cup of the quinoa/lentil mix and drain it even more.
- Dump it into a bowl.
- Add 1/4 cup oats.
- Add 1/2T diced onions.
- Add 1T to 2T of wheat gluten. (Tapioca starch might work – I haven’t tried yet)
- Add 1/2 teaspoon garlic salt (or more/less, to taste).
- Mush together until it has a texture like wet, clumpy Play-Doh. It should not be crumbly in your hand. It should not be grainy like the ocean sand. It should stick together like the E in Ella. Unlike cow hamburger, it won’t give you salmonella.
- Press into a patty and fry in light oil. I salt each side of the patty before frying it.
Each has about 20-25g protein, very little fat, and delicious taste!