Number of animals killed in the world by the meat, dairy and egg industries, since you opened this webpage. This does not include the billions of fish and other aquatic animals killed annually.

Based on 2007 statistics from the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations' Global Livestock Production and Health Atlas.

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What arguments could you present to a highly sentient and aggressive alien invader that he should not kill and eat you?  Here’s your handbook.

A voracious, all-powerful alien from the planet Snargleplexon is about to throw you and your family into a souped-up wood chipper.  He gives you a few minutes to convince him why he should not.  This is not out of charity or mercy.  The delay is only because his sausage press, known as the Happy Happy Humane Human Protein Mercyplexer 9000, takes a few minutes to warm up.

Besides telling him you’re an aspiring heavy metal guitarist and the universe will be that much poorer without your sweet riffs, can you convince him of mercy?  What arguments could you present to a highly sentient and aggressive invader that he should not kill you?  When you pose absolutely no threat and he derives great pleasure from devouring your charred remains, what words could possibly sway him toward compassion?

In real life one cannot simply shoot coworkers to “solve” a conflict (though the temptation never quite abates).  For this reason, the Snargleplexonians have been rendered invulnerable to physical attack.  You also cannot bribe them: what do they care about our money?  You cannot guilt them into mercy.  They are immune to guilt.  So what do you do?  You have to appeal to both logic and emotion, and the only way your message will sink in is when it’s delivered with humor and compassion.

This is the handbook for such a situation.  By no coincidence, the handbook works out great for vegans who are bombarded with so-called jokes such as, “I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.”  That’s right.  You didn’t.  You don’t even have claws.  Go eat a banana.